Australian Jokes

On his recent tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days out of his itinerary for an impromptu visit to the wild outdoors of the far North of New Zealand. Way up on desolate Ninety Mile beach, near the mouth of the Te Paki Stream, safe in his 4X4 Pope-mobile, his entourage came upon an enormous commotion in the water.  They rushed to see what it was about and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed a hapless man in the surf wearing a Wallabies rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a sixteen foot shark. 

Almost immediately a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black jerseys roared into view from beyond the surf line. One of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sharks' head, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached down and pulled the Aussie from the water and using long clubs, finished the shark off. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope.

He summoned them to the beach. When they reached the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my best Papal blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is racists xenophobic divide between Australia & New Zealand, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see that your societies are true examples of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist turned the other Kiwis and asked: "Who the bloody hell was that??!!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."  "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows bugger all about shark fishing! Now - how's that bait holding up, or do we need to get another one?" 

The Australian Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps. They had pictures of the Australian Rugby test players on them.

People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Four surgeons taking a coffee break ...

The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."

The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."

The fourth one says, "I prefer an Australian rugby player. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

If you see a Wallaby fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It could be your bicycle.

What do Australian Wallaby fans and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

What do you have when 100 Australian Wallaby fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Australian fan on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a snake and& an Australian fan. You've got a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Australian fan -- twice. 

A Kiwi bloke is having a quiet drink in a Sydney Bar. He leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear an Aussie joke?" The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke you should know something: I'm six feet tall, 105kgs and I'm a Wallaby forward. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 115kgs and he's an ex-Wallaby. Next to him is a bloke who is 6"5, weighs 120 kgs and he's a current Wallaby second-rower. Now, do you still want to tell that Aussie joke?" The Kiwi says, "Nah.....not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan." 

In 1983 3 kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."

The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.

The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.

The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy arsehole!"

20 years later, he's playing the back line for the Wallabies.

During a All Blacks v Australia match at the Westpac Trust Stadium a lightning storm hit Wellington and a bolt was conducted through the towers to the touchline. In a tragic accident both coaches - John Mitchell and Eddie Jones - were killed.
They were taken straight to heaven where they were warmly greeted by the Almighty. After a while Eddie was taken to his new accommodation. He was pleased to find a lovely Aussie beach-batch cottage with statues outside in the form of Australia rugby greats. As a constant background he could hear the sweet voices of angels singing Waltzing Matilda and Advance Australia Fair.

Eddie was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear God Defend New Zealand' followed by the Haka. Eddie looked up the hill to see a great palace with statues outside of Colin Meads, Don Clark and John Kirwin. A party was taking place in the garden with 'Slice of Heaven' flowing freely as the crowd watched Jonah Lomu scoring a try against England in 1999 World Cup.
Eddie went to the Lord and said: "Look, I dont want to appear ungrateful - my cottage is great, but why does John get the huge mansion?"
God broke into a laugh as he replied: "Eddie, you've got it all wrong! Thats not Johns place - it's mine!"

Why do people tend to hate Australian Rugby players on sight?

Because it saves time.

Once, a long time ago, there was a Wallaby tour of New Zealand. During their stay in Wellington, one of the players had a fairly torrid affair with a local lass. The team moved on, the girl stayed behind, and the whole thing was eventually forgotten about.
Four years later, the same player returns back to NZ with another Wallaby touring side. They are in Wellington, and who should he see walking down the street but his lover with a small child! He runs up to her and greets her, and asks if the child is his. "Yes", she says, "it is." "But why didn't you tell me?" he asked plaintively. "Well" she said, "after I found out I was pregnant, I invited all the members of my family together for a discussion on the matter - my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, aunts and cousins. And we all came to the same conclusion: we would rather that it was a bastard than have a Wallaby for a father".

The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach Eddie Jones immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind they goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Two men fishing on a riverbank in a remote area of Australia on a Sunday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV. Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The Wallabies have lost again". The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?" The other man replied "It's quarter past 8." 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "it's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God.

"That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. And to top it all off, I'm going to give them super-human rugby players who will intimidate anyone they face." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the bloody sheep-rooting Aussie bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Two guys were chucking round a rugby ball outside Eden Park on Saturday. Suddenly, a dog ran out of nowhere and attacked one of the kids. The other lad grabbed a stick and wedged it in the dogs mouth freeing his friend, and killing the dog. A report saw this magical acts and ran up to the kids. "Amazing!" he said. "Imagine the headlines, Auckland fan saves friend for savage dog attack" he exclaims as he scribbles it down on a small notepad.

"No way man, I'm not a Blues fan." "OK then, Warriors fan rescues friend from wild animal." the reporter says, scratching out the last headline. "Nope, don't like the league".

Puzzled, the reporter asked him who he supported. "I'm a Wallaby, through and through mate." The next day the front-page headline read:

LITTLE AUSSIE BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET.

Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?

Because its not worth shitting on.

An Kiwi, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, (simple things!) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Kiwi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In New Zealand we have so many f***ing South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

A young lady goes in to her doctors office looking very concerned. She says, "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor laughed, and then said:

"Of course you can, where do you think Australians come from?!"

There's a smart Australian, the tooth fairy and a random guy in a train. There's $20 on the floor, but after they went through a dark tunnel it is gone. Who took it?
The random guy - the other two aren't real.

A family of Australian rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a New Zealand rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a New Zealand supporter and I would like this for Christmas". His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to Mum!" Off goes the little lad with the Kiwi rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a New Zealand supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?". "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a New Zealand supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a New Zealand supporter for an hour and already I hate you Aussie bastards."

A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "Gday! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Aussie: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Aussie your owner?" pointing at the Australian.

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Aussie: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Aussie: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at Aussie)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Aussie: "The sheep's a liar!

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?

You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!

What do you call a field full of Australians?

A vacant lot.

A Pommie, an Irish guy, an Aussie and a big Maori bloke were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Pommies exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry: "I am doing this for my country..." The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the Kiwi ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried: "I'm doing this for my country!"

Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.

How do you define 144 Australians?

Gross stupidity.

The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11 and sitting in the front seat".

What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?

A cheat.

An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humor.

What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?

Gifted.

How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin out and throw it back.

Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him a week later.

What's the difference between yogurt and Australians?

At least yogurt starts with a little culture.

A Pom wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK," said the Pom. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Pom woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

Newsflash!! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished coloring in one of them.

There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.

An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labor, Liberal and Cocktail.